what we truly want

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why and it really got me thinking about life. I know I know, very cliché. In my own life I have bright days where I can’t imagine ever wanting anything more, or ever wanting to leave my beautiful life. Then I have days where I realize it is all an allusion. Reality hits me that no one is ever getting out alive, so what’s the point? All the minuscule things we worry about don’t matter. Yesterday my mom was having a mental conflict about which color napkins to get for Easter dinner. While I was listening, all that ran through my mind was, “who cares? why does this matter so much?” They are just napkins. And then it hit me. This is how we cope with the sucki-ness of life. In the back of our minds we all know our inevitable fate. What we don’t know is when. We will all die someday and the only thing that will be our legacy is the versions of stories people have of us, or pictures or yearbooks or faded memories. Obviously this is a flawed concept and just because we are going to die doesn’t mean we should give up. But I think the real reason we feel hopeless isn’t because of ourselves, but rather the inevitable in the back of everyone’s mind. Some people are just better coping with it than others. Some people can’t help but think about it and dwell on it, while others are consumed with constantly thinking about the little things that don’t really matter. I guess concentrating on the small things makes the bigger things more invisible and life more bearable. But my God, life can really suck sometimes. When it rains it pours. The only thing that makes the burden lighter is feeling wanted. We just want to be reassured that we make a difference in someone’s life, that we are intelligent, and beautiful, and our minds are complex mazes full of information someone wants to learn. We also want to know that when someone does bother to learn your mind and know your passions and your soul, they love you for it. Imperfections and all. They support what you do and they love you for what lights that fire in your soul. Life is hard and what we truly want is other people who understand the struggle and make it a little more bearable. At least that is what makes my life happy and hopeful.

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