I typically like to write about more uplifting topics, but this has been weighing on my mind lately. I have had many seasons in my life where I have felt like I don’t belong and I’ve felt lost. I would actually venture to say that I have felt that way in most times in my life. Primarily, this sinking feeling sets in at school and I have felt that way from a young age. As some of you may or may not know, I was extremely overweight as a child. And trust me, I was made aware of it by many of my young classmates. I guess you could say these traumatic memories have come to haunt me throughout my life and I have realized that kids don’t always grow up, they just get older and bigger. Those little insecurities pop back up and come back to bite me again. I could be the best dressed and have the best makeup and hair, but I have always felt different. I have never been one to fit in or try to fit in, but not socializing like everyone else is bound to make you feel bitter at some point. I don’t always laugh at what other find hilarious, I personally don’t find the idea of partying thrilling and fun, and I don’t always love the latest trends. I have gone to multiple schools in my life and I have felt incomplete at each of them. Whether it was public or private, it didn’t make a difference. I was beginning to think it was just me.
It may be common knowledge to you that I moved from Florida to South Carolina last year. My mom and grandpa picked what was supposed to be the best private school in the Upstate. However, it seems to make no difference in the way some act. While it is good academically, being surrounded by so much immaturity and ignorance can really be exhausting to someone that is wiser than her years. I don’t say this to hype myself up, but it is no surprise the experiences I have gone through have made me a wiser and more compassionate person. I guess behavior can be linked back to being sheltered in the same place your whole life and not going through hard times of any kind. However it still doesn’t make up for the fact I feel out of place. At times I forget I am a senior in high school and it truly feels like I am back in elementary school.
After elementary school I convinced myself that middle school would be better, and when that didn’t workout I was told high school would be a million times better.
Now as I am approaching college, I am not hanging onto the hope that those will be my best years. What I am hanging onto is the fact that I know who I am. I know what I am capable of and I don’t give anyone else a second thought. I am learning to be grateful to be different and feel different. I have also realized that being grateful for the real people in your life who understand you can ease the feeling of being out of place. While it has taken me all these years to this conclusion, I am glad I am truly believing in the fact that you are your most important (and harshest) critic. I decided to write about this because I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. I was feeling down lately because I am not surrounded by like-minded people, but I had to pull myself back up and remind myself of who I am. I am pretty amazing, I have goals I have accomplished and will accomplish, and I am lucky enough to have people in my life that see that too. I hope this post came at a time when you needed it and it helps to reassure you that you’re not the only one who has felt alone surrounded by hundreds of people.